Disappearing

I don't understand what's wrong with me I have just been freaking out and feeling so lonely. I know everyone gets lonely but its getting bad were I just feel depressed all the time my friends and family are noticing it. I used to be that person people went to to feel better and hang out with but now I feels like I'm just not there at all like a piece of me is missing.

I have that really cheesy feeling of being in the middle of a crowd and feeling completely alone I don't know how to fix.

Awh Yay

Sorry it has been so long I have joined my school magazine and I haven't had time to type this. I'm trying to think what to write about this week and it is not working any ideas ?

Guess Who
xoxo

Ramblings

OK I'm dying here. I have a smoke but I am trying not to smoke it gosh I'm falling so I'm gonna ramble on to take it off my mind.

The thoughts of going back to school actually terrifies me. I'm going back to my old school because of money worries (its closer which means no bus fairs and its cheaper in general) so I'm kinda scared people won't accept me and be annoyed I came back so I have this on my mind along with the thought of my junior cert results coming out and I can promise you I have failed something I don't know what but I did.

Ugh I hate being a girl. oh and to make things worse my step dad and Mum are snooping around this very laptop trying to see what I'm writing so of course I am being sly and shimmying around so they can't see it. Not very well I might add ha ha.

Well I guess if I want the rants not to find out I'm writting what I'm writting I should go

Guess Who
xoxo

Smoking

So I was at a party last weekend (awesome party with a bonfire and tents). But I drank allot and I went back smoking! Bare in mind I was addicted for awhile in 1st year, and I've only had two, both after the party which I am proud to say was it! but none the less I have been so disappointed in my self since.

I think I went back cause I have been so distant from everyone lately, my friends, family, everyone and its kinda like relaxing or stress relieving or something. I actually really needed something I felt I was slipping or breaking. I dunno I guessed it just helped me find my way back....like I could breathe again which is kind of ironic....I guess the thing that doesn't help my lungs helped me breathe ha ha? Well I still don't feel fixed but it gave me strength to slowly get there. Time is all I need I think I've just become so depressed lately that I needed Hillary's to lift me outta my slump which it sorta did. So to everyone that was there and all who I hung out with aka...

Wez the complete legend of the night with his dance, yagerbombs, being so perfectly sweet, minding my freezing hands and being my pillow/blanket all night, and just being Wez in general.

Abby the lovely Abby so pretty with her Scottish accent, Hindu costume (without the dot), beers and being the only other girl there that I talked to when Hills was off socialising, you are amazing.

Andy and Bill (I think your names were) with their funny drunk stories, making fun of whatever I drank and the cocktails that so taste of alcohol its not even funny and you said "I can't taste it is there any drink in this" ha ha

a big thank you to you all for making it such a good night and taking me from my slump.

first version - my song/poem

maybe when I'm not so broken

maybe when I'm not so hurt

maybe when I know what to do

love can fix love

maybe when I'm done with sleeping

maybe I could get some help

maybe when I'm done with eating

the fixing begins

fixing begins

fixing begins

you could be my angel in disguise

you could be my star up in the sky

you are be my forever and a day

I will alway be there

so I'm not that fussed

I have lately just stopped caring completely. It seems if you care you get hurt and in my opinion its not worth it in any way. I mean were all just waiting right?? We are here on earth just waiting for death so we can go to heaven to be in eternal happiness so whats the point in caring if we might not even be near the person you care for in heaven? These are just somethings that go through my head on a daily bases I know it sounds like I'm a crazy person but you have got to admit I have a point! There is something to think about!


xxx
Guess Who

decisions

What would you do if you were really sick, and I mean really sick to the point where your in pain and in and out of the hospital paying loads for each visit? What would you do to get better? Would you be willing to go into a machine that makes you feel like you are in a grave for ten minutes? I know I would!

I'm not going to name names here but I have learnt lately some people like to be able to complain and make people feel sorry for them. I personally don't mind if some one complains about having to go in the grave machine but if someone turns down the thing that can help them I don't think the have the....well...right to complain. Please tell me if I'm wrong cause I don't think I have the right to judge but in my opinion its not right.

Songs-
you me at six- save it for the bedroom
Jason Mraz- I'm yours
lostprophets- burn burn

verse-
Galations 2:20

book-
TWLIGHT!
Terry Pratchett- nation

I hate being a girl

Guys stink. I met a guy this week (honestly one of the sweetest guys ever!) He invited me to the cinema and we had the best time (though he paid for my cinema ticket which I felt bad about).

He texts me the next day and says something along the lines of "you are awesome and I really etc... but I won't see you for at least two weeks!" So I text back letting the poor guy off saying "Its grand if you don't like me that way its no big deal forget about it we can go our separate ways." but I seemingly was wrong! He spent awhile saying sorry and explained a little better.

He is actually one of the most popular guys round and is on the rugby , running and loads of sport and is always busy? From what I was told girls spread rumours about his ex-girlfriend. I don't want rumours about me being spread!

Now the whole school knows we went to the cinema and I get dirty looks everywhere I go (as it is an all girls school). I can't help but say to the girls "it not my fault I didn't know he was popular or as the girls put it 'fit' or 'hot'"

My friends are telling me not to take notice but its hard not to notice a bunch of girls giving you dirty looks and whispering! what should I do?


music choices-
(just music)pitter patter goes my heart - broken social scene
cause = time
lets talk about girls- undertones
when will my cheated heart- team9
got no love - knoks
fit but you know it - the streets
she moves in her own way- kooks

bible verse
classic john 3:16 haha

I'm gona keep this posted for good music

This was on bebo and I know bebo = chain mail but this is how you can know me. Through my music and what I listen to because this is scary accurate:

-you turn your ipod on shuffle and answer these questions by the song playing:-
Opening Credits: black sabbath- planet caravan
Waking Up: system of the down- science
First Day At School: bouncemaster
Falling In Love: the notwist- electric bear
Fight Song: carly sings- apple trees
Breaking Up: damien rice- older chests
Debbs: will- open arms
Life's OK: the dandy warhols- bohemian like you
Mental Breakdown: scheer- hanging on the telephone
Driving: The vines- autumn shade
Flashback- u2- original of the species
Getting Back Together: air- playground love
Birth of Child: shihad- spacing
Wedding: plearl jam- last kiss
Final Battle: UB40- red red wine
Death Scene: All I want - The Offspring
Funeral Song: the vines- ain't no room
End Credits: broken social scene- pitter patter goes my heart

What I Think Really

From the feedback I got and doing some serious movie watching ("breakfast at Tiffany's" and "the devil and miss Jones" two of the best-est movies) I have learnt one thing love hurts but you have to treasure the moments when it doesn't.

This happens as we will get hurt and feel horrible we learn from what we did wrong and how to change the next relationship. Its hard and girls and guys (don't lie it will/has happen/ed) will cry or feel a stabbing pain in their chest and it feels like your never going to live again and everything is wrong but NEW FLASH you will.
Don't do the classic thing because you saw it on TV and get drunk to try and fix everything because NEW FLASH again it doesn't. It makes you dump on other people which makes them sick and hurt!!! Just because your in pain don't bring everyone down with you!! The people around you in this world have the same problem they don't need yours on top of it.

I only learnt that recently that its not fair to dump your problems on other people and that the best way to get over a crush or relationship or problem is to not talk to them for awhile or think about it and I know its hard, heck... I hate..... it but it works and in the end isn't that what matters to work your way through life try to make people feel better....doctors do it why can't we?

Well that's what I think and again you can prove me wrong if you want just write in the comment box. Thanks for listening and remember your AWESOME and keep SMILING.

just to let you know!!

Dear Readers

This is a notice
I am about to delete a few of my blogs as I am beginning not to like all my past on this as it hurts to see them ever time I'm online. Also I don't really like people to know me so well its a little strange. I tend to keep to myself and not say much. I have found doing these blogs have changed the way I act and think for the worst. It is slowly making me depressed. So I think I need to delete and forget allot of this. Thank you for listening but I am going to try be positive. A wise poet once said- Drop the negativity and pick up the positivity.

Thank you from,

Guess Who
xoxo

DEAR GUYS AND GALS I WANT FEEDBACK??

OK I'm putting it out there not because I'm becoming soft, because I really want to actually know: What is love? Sorry its just I actually don't know anymore. I used to think hey if I wait a while I'll know but how longs awhile? I sit in school listen to people talking about how they love their boyfriends and act all soft and gooie about it but I don't know I never felt that way about a boyfriend like.....right its great you get to hold hands and feel like you have someone but it only lasts so long until you get stabbed in the back and break up. From this all you get is pain I don't get it? We still go back and get hurt all over again and then the tears come. It makes no sense.

OK I'm putting it out there. I want some feed back on what you think? If you think I'm wrong great tell me why because that is only my opinion I would be glad if someone could change it!!

I WANT FEEDBACK!!!

THANKS GUYS AND GALS

my thoughts

names
ass who made me feel bad- L
girl who helped - Z
Big Bro friend- B

I go through every day wondering if it worth it. I know it sounds like I'm becoming depressed and maybe I am but its hard for me to keep from blowing up at least once a day.

At the start of this week I fell out with a friend. L really made me feel bad about myself. He told me that I shouldn't use my past as an excuse for the way I act, personally, I didn't even know I was but hey! I ended up not eating for a day or two and feeling sick after meals and running to the toilet and I know, I should I've had the lecture, I have even given it to people but now I see where these people come from. For some weird reason sticking my fingers down my throat and puking made me feel better. I ended up talking to Z and she really helped. Pretty much she said that L was a dick and to not to listen to him. The funny thing is I didn't let it in the first place. I don't know why but lately I have just been feeling really, I don't know not myself??

These past few days have been bogging me down between just trying to find a reason to get up in the morning and trying to go to things such as church and work with my kidneys and back (that is another story for another day) . One of my very good friends who is like a big brother to me and deserves the biggest hugs tells me when I talk to him that 'I rock', or when I told him how people in my year calls me the 'freaky christian girl' he made me feel better about it or does something along the lines of that it makes me realise if I don't get up in the morning I really lose out on meeting the wonderful people like B.

Well I am sorry I have no words to think about
but I do have something you should think about
How many people in your life actually care enough to be like B for me??
How many people in your life treat you like L?? AND
How many people in your life can you turn to like Z??

SONGS TO LISTEN TO AND LOVE
Something Corporate- Heroine
Billy Talent- Honestly
Gregory & the Hawk - A wish
- boats & birds
- the point sometimes
Lanzlo- overkill
Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah
Newton Fawlkner -teardrop

As for a verse READ THE BIBLE AND FIND YOURR OWN!!!
Romans 5:5 is good cause it has a rap

I couldn't delete it?

OK I am back again oh gosh I know this is heavy reading but its near done. As far as I know. I hope you readers don't mind I'm going to make this one short because

A) it has only just happened and I'm not OK with talking about it yet and
B) my mocks are this week and I need to study badly

Kate
Wow that felt like ripping off a band aid. Kate was amazing person so loyal, so kind, and always so happy but a few days before Christmas this year she hanged herself (OK tears have got to stop).

The Day I Was Told
I went into school without a worry in the world waiting by Shiv's locker, my best mate I'm my school, when she came in she didn't seem herself. I asked her whats up?? She asked me did I not get the text. I clearly didn't so of course I said what text?? She said three words I didn't believe till I saw two of my best friends in bits come straight to me for a hug Kate is dead.

It hit me I a big yellow school bus and I broke. The worsted thing about it my teachers wanted me to go through classes as usual. I cried all the way through English and I sit up the front so everyone saw. I ran out of history to get tissue and got in trouble but I didn't care. We had a mass and Assembly that day but I didn't care. I felt like why did she feel so alone?? Why couldn't she talk to me?? She was so young like 16?? I turned away from God that night I blamed him for not looking after her. I felt like it was all his fault. Now I have asked God to forgive me because I know I was looking for someone to blame and the truth is I should blame her for not looking for help.

The Day After 'Normal'
We got told when the funeral was but I couldn't bring myself to go. That day my business teacher gave out to me for being quite I told her to 'actually just stop and leave me alone' she didn't know me at all she didn't know how bad and horrible I felt so why give out?? I have never respected her since.


A poet once wrote "A person must always obey a certain judgement of their conscience"


A wise man once wrote "I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love, Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate is from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans chapter 8 verse 38 and 39.