Disappearing

I don't understand what's wrong with me I have just been freaking out and feeling so lonely. I know everyone gets lonely but its getting bad were I just feel depressed all the time my friends and family are noticing it. I used to be that person people went to to feel better and hang out with but now I feels like I'm just not there at all like a piece of me is missing.

I have that really cheesy feeling of being in the middle of a crowd and feeling completely alone I don't know how to fix.

Awh Yay

Sorry it has been so long I have joined my school magazine and I haven't had time to type this. I'm trying to think what to write about this week and it is not working any ideas ?

Guess Who
xoxo

Ramblings

OK I'm dying here. I have a smoke but I am trying not to smoke it gosh I'm falling so I'm gonna ramble on to take it off my mind.

The thoughts of going back to school actually terrifies me. I'm going back to my old school because of money worries (its closer which means no bus fairs and its cheaper in general) so I'm kinda scared people won't accept me and be annoyed I came back so I have this on my mind along with the thought of my junior cert results coming out and I can promise you I have failed something I don't know what but I did.

Ugh I hate being a girl. oh and to make things worse my step dad and Mum are snooping around this very laptop trying to see what I'm writing so of course I am being sly and shimmying around so they can't see it. Not very well I might add ha ha.

Well I guess if I want the rants not to find out I'm writting what I'm writting I should go

Guess Who
xoxo

Smoking

So I was at a party last weekend (awesome party with a bonfire and tents). But I drank allot and I went back smoking! Bare in mind I was addicted for awhile in 1st year, and I've only had two, both after the party which I am proud to say was it! but none the less I have been so disappointed in my self since.

I think I went back cause I have been so distant from everyone lately, my friends, family, everyone and its kinda like relaxing or stress relieving or something. I actually really needed something I felt I was slipping or breaking. I dunno I guessed it just helped me find my way back....like I could breathe again which is kind of ironic....I guess the thing that doesn't help my lungs helped me breathe ha ha? Well I still don't feel fixed but it gave me strength to slowly get there. Time is all I need I think I've just become so depressed lately that I needed Hillary's to lift me outta my slump which it sorta did. So to everyone that was there and all who I hung out with aka...

Wez the complete legend of the night with his dance, yagerbombs, being so perfectly sweet, minding my freezing hands and being my pillow/blanket all night, and just being Wez in general.

Abby the lovely Abby so pretty with her Scottish accent, Hindu costume (without the dot), beers and being the only other girl there that I talked to when Hills was off socialising, you are amazing.

Andy and Bill (I think your names were) with their funny drunk stories, making fun of whatever I drank and the cocktails that so taste of alcohol its not even funny and you said "I can't taste it is there any drink in this" ha ha

a big thank you to you all for making it such a good night and taking me from my slump.

first version - my song/poem

maybe when I'm not so broken

maybe when I'm not so hurt

maybe when I know what to do

love can fix love

maybe when I'm done with sleeping

maybe I could get some help

maybe when I'm done with eating

the fixing begins

fixing begins

fixing begins

you could be my angel in disguise

you could be my star up in the sky

you are be my forever and a day

I will alway be there

so I'm not that fussed

I have lately just stopped caring completely. It seems if you care you get hurt and in my opinion its not worth it in any way. I mean were all just waiting right?? We are here on earth just waiting for death so we can go to heaven to be in eternal happiness so whats the point in caring if we might not even be near the person you care for in heaven? These are just somethings that go through my head on a daily bases I know it sounds like I'm a crazy person but you have got to admit I have a point! There is something to think about!


xxx
Guess Who

decisions

What would you do if you were really sick, and I mean really sick to the point where your in pain and in and out of the hospital paying loads for each visit? What would you do to get better? Would you be willing to go into a machine that makes you feel like you are in a grave for ten minutes? I know I would!

I'm not going to name names here but I have learnt lately some people like to be able to complain and make people feel sorry for them. I personally don't mind if some one complains about having to go in the grave machine but if someone turns down the thing that can help them I don't think the have the....well...right to complain. Please tell me if I'm wrong cause I don't think I have the right to judge but in my opinion its not right.

Songs-
you me at six- save it for the bedroom
Jason Mraz- I'm yours
lostprophets- burn burn

verse-
Galations 2:20

book-
TWLIGHT!
Terry Pratchett- nation